Friday Mailbag Returns with Lost Books

It’s been a while since strange mail has arrived at my doorstep. Mail left with me, but not addressed to me. Rarely, in fact, is there any sensible address for addressee or returnee. So I read my strange mail. First up, in a plain white envelope coated lightly with dust:

Dear Dr. Henry Newage

In reviewing library records, I have discovered that you were lent fifteen books over ten years ago and have yet to return them. Accidents happen. Books borrowed are sometimes forgotten. What I found disturbing, however, is that the list of borrowed books matches exactly a list you had submitted to the library’s Board of Directors for removal on moral and scientific grounds. Apparently the previous head librarian was aware of this subterfuge, but chose to look the oher way. I, however, cannot.

I request the immediate return of these volumes in good condition. We will waive, this one time, late charges, but if any of the volumes are unrecoverable, we will be forced to escalate matters.

The volumes of note are:

The Habits and Practices of Highly Successful Rats by Deloris Pettigrew
Bag of Knobs and Boomsticks by Peter Mouse
A Secret History of the Western Swamp and Its Environs by Col. Gunther Montrose
Tuppence a Penny (or, How to Lose Your Shadow) by James Environs
Three Winds Come Through My Door (Poems) by Millicent Powers
Electricity In Ancient Mesopotamia by Halyard Mistral
Beer in Ancient Mesopotamia by Halyard Mistral
How To Sink a Ship by Gail Hops
The Daily Diet of the Aztec Merchant by Miles Killingly
Uncommon Sweetmeats by Chas. Kowalski
Five Bells, Four Sails, Three Souls by Frederick Hershey
One If By Land, Three If By Air: The Secret Air Force of the American Revolution by Henry H. Hyde
Living Like a Caveman by Durant Johnson
The Pornography of Easter Island by Kik Jones
The Twelves Days of Christmas by Fr. Francis Muldoon

In light of your past generosity to the library, the Board of Directors have asked me not to suspend your borrowing privelages. However, I have left strict instructions for you not to be lent anymore books from the children’s section, and have added a notation that before you are lent any books at all, that you see me so we can discuss this matter in person.

I look forward to that moment.

Your sincerely,

James Newage,
Head Librarian
King’s Hall Town Library

Often with my mis-delivered mail comes a note written in a reddish-brown ink upon a rough, rag paper. I have note seen these notes in a while and had hoped that the events of which they darkly hinted had been resolved.

Apparently I should be so lucky. Today’s message reads:

As events come to close, events come to unfold.
We are come enlightened. We are come confused.
As ever, we await your signal.

(signed)
Unisgned

Huh. Welcome to the return of the Friday mailbag.

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Today’s link goes to our new favorite coffeeshop here in West Warwick–Feels Like Ohm. It’s fairly new, having opened a few months after we moved here. Lots of comfy chairs. A Library full of fun books. Good coffee. Good snacks. Some great art on the walls. Occasional events. An all-round comfortable place to hang out and be a coffeeshop person. If you’re in the area, check it out.

Cheers!

Rumor Tuesday Returns! Special Lost Edition

Rumor Tuesday returns! Okay, so today is Wednesday, but that’s only because this week’s Rumor Tuesday features JJ Abrams and the TV show Lost with seven things we bet you never knew about the hit ABC drama. Lost’s final season premiered last night. Nothing here is really a spoiler, so read on and remember… you read it here first! Tell your friends.

  • All of the scenes that took place on the airplane and in the airport in the season six premiere episode were shot in 2004 during the filming of the first season.

  • Ten of the regularly appearing extras are part of a group known in Hollywood as “The Apple Abrams Gang.” Their specialty is getting killed on film and have done so in Alias, Lost, Mission Impossible 3, Cloverfield, Star Trek, and Fringe. They’ve been shot, burned, blown up, crushed, eaten, and dragged underground and underwater.

  • One of the Apple Abrams Gang, Henry Piper, is particularly known for being crushed under the same papier mache beam in five appearances: Star Trek, Cloverfield, Alias, and Lost (twice). He has affectionately named the beam “Fuzzy.”

  • Nestor Carbonell, the actor who plays Richard Alpert, lost a finger in a fishing accident when a child. He usually wears a prosthesis and covers it up with props or creative camera angling. In the Lost season six premiere, the missing finger is briefly visible in the sand underneath John Locke’s shoe and the actor is clearly filmed with only nine fingers when he is draped over Locke’s shoulders.

  • Lost was originally pitched to NBC where network execs wanted to rework Abrams’s concept into a comedy. Abrams wrote three episode treatments as part of a contract agreement, received payment, then promptly offered the original drama concept to ABC. NBC still holds and owns the comedy treatments and have until 2015 before all rights revert back to Abrams..


  • JJ Abrams occasionally claims that the inspiration for Lost occurred in the late 1990s when he came across a passage in a copy of Robinson Crusoe which he had borrowed from a hotel library. The passage reads, “I had thought I had lost all but time, but another on this island seeks to take time from me as well.”

  • On Lost, the leader of the Temple Others speaks in a Kansei dialect from the mid-16th century Japan. His translator’s eyeglasses are based on an 18th century design by Benjamin Franklin.

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Today’s link goes to the Friends of Attleboro Animal Shelter in Attleboro, MA. This is where we got Daisy and she appears in their Happy Tails section now as one of their many successful placements.
Send them money.
Cheers!

Rumor Tuesday: Silent Film Era Edition

Rumor has it… Harold Lloyd’s “Glasses character” was the inspiration for Superman’s identity as Clark Kent. Like that character, Lloyd found that he could hide his identity simply by taking off the glasses.

Rumor has it… Silent film star Charlie Chaplin was a big believer in developing an affordable color film process for movies. He announced that he often performed for free (under another name and without the trademark toothbrush moustache) in many experimental color films.

Rumor has it… Before movie-houses became popular, films were usually shown as sideshow attractions at carnivals and state fairs.


Rumor has it… Stunt doubles were virtually unknown. During the filming of Pandora’s Box (1928), the scene in which Nancy runs alongside of and boards a moving train, no stunt double was employed. The movie’s star, Louise Brooks, actually performed the stunt.

Rumor has it… The first stand-up comedy film appeared during the silent era. Jerome Reed performed a stand-up comedy act in front of an audience in Newark, NJ. He stood next to a large easel in front of a brick wall and told his jokes while an assistant revealed a series of caption cards. Occasionally the film woild cut to show the audience who had been given a series of placards that read words such as “Laugh,” “Groan,” “Applause,” and “Wild Applause.”


Rumor has it… Buster Keaton’s stunts were so dangerous that no insurance company was willing to insure him or his films. Instead, Keaton acquired financing by taking out a series of gambling wagers depending on the number of injuries he and his crew would suffer in each film. As a result, Keaton’s films were the most profitable films made in Hollywood at the time until state treasury officers shut down his operation. By this point, though, Keaton was a popular enough star that studios were willing to sign him on even without insurance.

Rumor has it… In 1919, Harold Lloyd lit a cigarette with what he had been told was a prop bomb. Instead, it turned out to be real and exploded, blowing off Lloyd’s right thumb and index finger. After he recovered, Lloyd took to a white glove while on screen to conceal the damage. He performed the infamous clock-clinging stunt in Safety Last (1923), using only eight fingers.


Rumor has it… Clara Bow hooked up and had an affair with Bela Lugosi (before Dracula (1931) made him infamous) in the late ’20s. Lugosi displayed a nude portrait of Bow in the bedroom of his Hollywood apartment until his death.


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Today’s link goes to a new webcomic I’ve stumbled across created by T Campbell, Erica Henderson, and Phil Kahn. Check out Guilded Age. I’m not familiar with two of the creators, but I’ve been a fan of T Campbell’s Faans! for many years. Guilded Age looks to be a heroic, epic fantasy story. It’s still in the first chapter and we’re still meeting the main characters, but it shows a lot of potential and I heartily recommend keeping an eye on this one.

Cheers!

Friday’s Mail — making a list. It’s the Least I Could Do

Welcome to Friday! Today’s mailbox contained no envelopes, but two handwritten notes. The first note appears on paper yellowed with age in a rusty-brown colored ink.

Dear Mr. Grocer,

Please receive this, our list of monthly supply requests. I know it’s a little less than usual, but Smith Jr. is still under the Klondike and is not expected back for another three months. You know how teenagers get. Anyway…the list:

1 antelope side
4 cases of thrush
1 box of salted tuna fin
20 pounds of Caspian coffee
1 bar of Madagascar butter (frozen)
2 jars of Haxil’s Powder
2 jars of Haxil’s Ointment
1 jar of Haxil’s Flakes
1 bottle of Flavor of Egypt
2 oranges (seeded)
2 oranges (unseeded)
4 pints of orange juice (with seeds)
3 bottles of Mongoose sauce
3 Mongoose

In addition to the consumables, I’ll also need the usual monthly kitchen cutlery set, flour sifter, and coal bucket.

Oh, and some blackberry gum if you have any. If you’re out of blackberry, then forget the gum altogether.

Thank you. Delivery should be made at the usual place and the usual time–sunset at the Grievous Smith Caves. You’ll find the money en route in its usual spot under the gatekeeper’s tongue.

Thank you.

The Smith Family

Slipped within the folded yellow page is the expected note on rag paper with the expected crimson ink. It reads:

To Whom It May Concern:

We are thinking of ordering lunch. While we await your signal, we also await news on what you’d like.

We’re thinking Chinese

signed
(unsigned)

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Today’s link goes to the webcomic Least I Could Do. It’s a pretty fun webcomic. I’ve heard some accuse the authors of engaging in wish-fulfillment fantasy, but I take it more as a feel-good sort of comic where fun things happen to a guy who knows how to have fun and happens to be insanely lucky enough to be able to act on it. Be forewarned…some of the humor is risque–maybe even offensive to over-sensitive types, but there’s a lot that can be enjoyed by anyone.

There are several years worth of archives. The artwork does not start out great, but stick with it for the writing, and in a few years–particularly when Lars Sohmer takes up the pen–the art becomes quite good. This is the same team that brings us Looking For Group.

Checking it out is the least you could do.

Cheers!

Tuesday Rumors on Wednesday: Spooky Edition

With Halloween coming up, this week’s Rumor file features its Spooky edition.

Boo!

Rumor has it… The most haunted building in recorded history is the former asylum for the insane in Vienna which once housed Salieri, a contemporary and rival of Mozart. Reports of piano music, moaning, apparitions, doors opening and closing, strange lights, specftral visions, darkmen, and unexplained screaming have plagued the edifice for generations. Today the building serves as a storage facility for the Austrian municipal park system and is still haunted.

Rumor has it… Ghosts and hauntings are mentioned six times in The Bible.

Rumor has it… According to the International Paranormal Institute, there are twelve documented cases of dogs being haunted, and three cases of of parrots being haunted. Also, while there are countless cases of ghosts being sighted on ships and submarines, there are no documentated cases of apparitions aboard airplanes.


Rumor has it… According to the journal of the pilot of the Mayflower which delivered the Pilgrims to the New World, a sailor who signed on in Denmark was accused of vampirism by a pair of Pilgrims (John and William Water) and thrown overboard. Both men died of dehydration before landing in Plymouth. The incident is not mentioned in any of the colonists’ documents–and there is no mention of anyone, not even wives or children, with the surname of Water.

Rumor has it… Dracula author Bram Stoker was a member of The Golden Dawn, a mystical organization based in Great Britain devoted to magical studies based on esoteric interpretations of the Kaballah and Egyptian mythology. Other members included Eliphas Levi, Arthur E. Waite, and Aleister Crowley. Stoker left the organization after one of is many re-organizations following the creation of the American branch in Chicago.

Rumor has it… In Asia, vampires don’t so much fly as they jump around.


Rumor has it… Vampires fall victim to sunlight, garlic, holy water, and stakes through the heart. Werewolves succumb to silver bullets and wolfsbane. According to legend, a mummy can only be stopped by placing sheets of clean rice paper in its path, then setting the paper ablaze from a flame fed with beeswax and jasmine.

Rumor has it… Speaking of mummies, they were once so prevalent in Egypt that they were often used as fuel in steam engines.


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Today’s link goes to ComicBookScriptArchive.com for a fairly decent collection of MSWord Docs and PDF files of various comic book scripts. If you’re looking for info on how to format a comic book script, this is a good place to check out.

Cheers!

Friday Mailbox: Look out for Dr. Gregorii

Welcome to Friday, and welcome to the mailbag–which is actually a mailbox if you want to get technical about it. The first piece of mail comes in a plain white business envelope from a Manhattan address. It reads:

Dear Sir(s),

It has come to our attention here at Winter & Nash that you’ve been in contact with an individual who calls herself Dr. Petula Gregorii and who claims to be an investigator for an unnamed group of so-called scientists are studying certain phenomenon.

We feel it is our duty to warn you that Dr. Gregorii (if a doctor she truly is) is skilled charlatan of the highest order. Her unlikely claim to have discovered the full skeleton of a blue whale in the Himalayas was intriguing, but the later claim to have ruled the whale’s death as a result of impact from falling from a great height strikes us as entirely ludicrous and calls many of her other claims into question. Likewise, her outrageous claims and poor follow-up has become a source of embarassment for many of those who have previously funded her epeditions.

For instance:

Regarding her discovery of a species of 13-tentacled giant freshwater squid residing in the far depths of the Caspian Sea suggests a carelessness in observation and a tendency toward rushing to conclusions without proper scientific evidence. As to the the remains she claimed to have found, she blames the crew of the Baku with “poor preservation techniques by peasant fishermen” for its supposed dissolving.

We do not believe she has discovered a sequoia in western Canada that has grown, as she puts it “upside-down” with branches and leaves buried in the soil, and its roots sticking up into the air. The only proof she supplies are a few dirty and gnarled branches. There is no photographic or other proper evidence of her claim. Likewise…

Her claim that from the northern slope of Kilimanjaro, one can observe clouds passing behind the moon strikes us as the fanciful conclusions of careless observers who do not understand the basics of optical illusion.

She recently made headlines in certain newspapers not known for dedicated journalism in her announcement of a secluded valley in South America being discovered in which stone pylons depict such historic events as the moon landing, the tearing down of the Berlin Wall, and the Reagan assasination attempt. The photos supplied in these newspaper stories are, without exception, blurred beyond belief and the occasional accompanying drawing looks to have been done by a five year old with palsy.

We understand that this Dr. Petula Gregorii is contacting your organization in hopes of securing funding for an expedition to the Australian outback where she claims she and her party expect to uncover the lost remains of several noted cases of missing persons (to whit: Amelia Earhart, Judge Force Crater, and Ambrose Bierce). We understand all too well how the potent comibination of Dr. Gregorii’s charm, charisma, and misguided devotion to her cause can aid in securing her funding (we ourselves contributed to the Himalayan expedition), which is why we here at Winter & Nash feel compelled to warn you.

Save yourself the grief and the funds and avoid any one-on-one meeting with Dr. Gregorii. Be unexpectedly out of town. Be out of the country, or better yet, off the continent. Get quarantined in a sickhouse. Get sent to prison. Believe us when you say you will lose less money in any of these ways than if you were to sit down with Dr. Gregorii and allow her to make her proposals to you in person.

Don’t say we didn’t try to warn you.

Your servants,

Winter & Nash

Next up is the old familiar rag paper with crimson ink note, but this week rather than being folded carefully, I found it crumpled and stuffed into the bottom of the mailbox. It reads:

To Whom It May Concern,

We are being followed. We are rushed in writing this, and likewise rushed in delivering.

We await your signal, but for God’s sake wait until whatever is following us grows bored or dies.

signed,

(unsigned)

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Into UFOs? Me neither, but you’d be surprised how many people are and how many sightings are reported each day. Check out the website of MUFON - the Mutual UFO Network who, for forty years, have been the central meeting point for UFO buffs the world over.

Enjoy, and keep watching the skies!

Rumor Tuesday: Subterranean Edition

Sorry I’ve missed the past week of Rumor Tuesdays and Friday Mailbags. The cold had me set on slow for longer than I like and certain things had to get cut out. Now I’m back, tall in the saddle, so tall I’m at risk for a nosebleed. And now we’re returning to our regularly scheduled truths, half-truths, white lies, and total fabrications. This week, we’re going underground.

Rumor has it… The sewers of Paris contain many of the long-lost treasures of the Templar Knights including King Solomon’s crown, a piece of the True Cross, and the actual Shroud of Turin (as opposed to the more famous fake residing at the Vatican).

Rumor has it… At one point in the 14th century, there were more people living beneath Cairo than above it.

Rumor has it… The band The Velvet Underground got its name after Andy Warhol did an exploratory photoshoot in the sewers beneath Greenwich Village and commented that all the moss growing on the sewer walls made it look like “a velvet underground.”


Rumor has it… The story of full-grown alligators being found in the sewers of New York originated from the discovery of dinosaur bones–specifically a Velociraptor mongoliensis which were stolen from The New York Museum of Natural History and stashed there by thieves.

Rumor has it… An underground chamber maintained by the US National Security Agency is so large that a small twin-engine plane can take off on one end, cruise for ten minutes, and land at the opposite end.


Rumor has it… Speaking of sewers, Edgar Allen Poe was a big fan of the Providence’s and once found a route leading from his rooming house to the Athaneum that was nearly all underground. Author H.P. Lovecraft was aware of this route and claimed it as part of the inspiration for his story “The Shunned House.”

Rumor has it… More people are lost and killed in Carlsbad Caverns than are kidnapped and killed by serial killers nationwide.


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Today’s link goes to a short history of the Irish banjo by famed player Mick Moloney. Did you know Irish warriors in the 5th century preferred the Irish tenor banjo as a club? It’s not true, but would’t that be something?

Rumor Tuesday on Wednesday: Cold and Flue Edition

Tuesday’s Rumor file comes on Wednesday because yours truly is suffering a pretty bad cold. Therefore, this Tuesday’s Rumor file (on Wednesday) features everyone’s favorite maladies: colds and flus…

Rumor has it… “Flu” is one of those rare terms in which the shorter form is older than the longer form. In status-conscious Victorian England, it was considered poor breeding to suffer the same illnesses as the lower classes. Sir Henry Langford of the Royal College of Physicians was the first to coin the term “influenza” as a specific malady similar to the flu, but affecting the upper classes exclusively.

Rumor has it… Despite new virulent strains of flu that appear each year, there are actually fewer active strains of flu now than there were two hundred years ago.

Rumor has it… A child conceived while one parent is suffering a headcold is seven times more likely to be a boy than a girl. If both parents have headcolds at the time of conception, the child will be three times more likely to be a girl.

Rumor has it… The native people of Easter Island, despite frequent contact with the outside world, are the only people on Earth who appear to be immune to colds and flus.

Rumor has it… Wonder if you have a cold or a flu? Weigh yourself. People with colds weigh on average two kilos more than their normal weight while people with flues weigh two kilos less.

Rumor has it… Biggest buyers of homeopathic remedies for cold and flu? Doctors, pharmacists, and employees of pharmaceutical companies.

Rumor has it… To combat colds, child actress Shirley Temple Black recommended two days in bed cutting out paper dolls and drinking peppermint tea.

Rumor has it… Comedian Charles Fleischer could only do the voice of Roger Rabbit while suffering the later days of a cold. He recorded his part in Who Framed Roger Rabbit in the space of the final two days of a headcold and when it came time to do some re-recording during the final edits of the film, Fleischer spent the a week wandering a Los Angeles hospital until he came down with a cold again and could once again do Roger Rabbit’s voice exactly as he had done it earlier in production.


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With all the love I’ve been seeing lately for Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd, where’s the love for the little tramp? Okay, Charlie was the biggest for a while and the renewed interest in Keaton and Lloyd’s work is fairly new. Still, today’s link takes you to The Official Charlie Chaplin website where you’ll find all the info you’d ever want on one of the silent era’s biggest comedy stars. Check it out.

Cheers!

Friday’s Mailbag: the late Mr. Royal

Welcome to Friday! This week’s mail comes in the form of a letter with a black border delivered from an New York attorney’s office. As happens with a lot of strange mail here, things like postmarks and return addresses are hopelessly smudged. it’s like a cheap literary device to keep the writer from having to explain too many awkward details.

Anyway, the letter reads forthwith:

Dear Mr. Earhart-Jones,

We regret to inform you of the passing of Bacchus “Le” Royal, born John Philip Smith, formerly of Topeka, Kansas. Mr. Royal’s passing occurred on September 4, 1995. We regret contacting you at such a late date but you are a difficult individual to track down. Fortunately, part of Mr. Royal’s estate included a generous fund for detective work in tracking down former members of 5th Company. All the former members of 5th Company have changed their names save you–which explains why you are the last member of 5th Company to be located and presented with these items left to you by the late Mr. Royal. (We were operating under the assumption that you too had changed your name and wasted much time and money searching for your original identity, unaware we had known it all along.)

In any case, we have located you, and now we may, at long last, close the file on Mr. Royal by presenting with you this box of items that the deceased requested be delivered to you upon the event of his death.

Please check this list against the items in the box delivered with this letter:

A soldier’s left boot
Half a bible, cut diagonally
A black and white photo of an elderly Samoan woman
A used clay pipe
A map of Iowa
A compass without needle
A single page from a gentleman’s novel
A small spyglass
A bottle of cologne (?)
Fifty-four cents made up of 1 quarter, 3 nickels, a dime, and four pennies–all dated 1954.

I am also charged to pass on the following message.

“Rally the troops. Seek our charge on the island. The time has come.”

Again, I apologize for the lateness of this note. In the years that have passed since Mr. Royal’s death, five former members of 5th Company have since passed on themselves. Two are in prison, and one is currently under hospice care.

My condolences.

Unless the contents of this box do not match this list, please do not contact this office. We are now closing the file on Bacchus “Le” Royal of 5th Company.

Yours sincerely,

William Nerve, Esq.
Attorney-at-Law

In addition to this legal letter comes a folded note on rag paper penned with crimson ink that reads:

To Whom It May Concern,

We are awaiting your signal. It seems like we have to tell you this every week. Last week we gave each other haircuts while waiting for your signal. That did not turn out well. This week we’re considering tattoos.

Please send us the signal.

signed (unsigned)

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As a nod to the latest Dan Brown book, The Lost Symbol, today’s link takes you to a page the Freemasons put together as a response to the book: The Lost Symbol and Freemasonry. I make reference to it in a book review I wrote for Forces of Geek.

Cheers!

Rumor Tuesday: Movie Edition

In 1923, pirates off the coast of India hijacked a ship which was carrying a print of the Rudolph Velentino movie The Sheik (1921). This is the origin of the term “pirate” when referring to illegal copies of movies. The most pirated movie on record is Three Men and a Baby (1987).

The infamous line, “Frankly Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.” in the movie version of Gone With the Wind (1939) does not appear in the original novel by Margaret Mitchell. It was added by the studio to beef up press coverage of the film.

During the very opening scenes of The Sixth Sense (1999), Bruce Willis is watching the end credits to Weekend at Bernie’s (1989), a favorite of director M. Night Shyamalan.


A problem with funding for Clerks (1994) almost stopped Kevin Smith’s film career before it began due to flooding in Smith’s home which threatened the comic book collection he was selling to pay for the film.

The most cursed film in history? Conquering Cross (1941) by Sergei Eisenstein in which 189 members of the cast and crew were killed in accidents ranging from electrocution to drowning. The original cinematographer, Alexi Andropov, was killed by a bear at the Moscow zoo a week prior to the production’s start.

From the cutting room floor: In Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) Francois Truffaut slapped Richard Dreyfuss. Kangaroo Jack (2003) had a cameo by John Rhys-Davies as a foul-mouthed Australian hobo. Fire Walk With Me (1992) had a cafe scene filmed in Esperanto. The topless scene in Driving Miss Daisy (1989).


Over 9,000 pounds of soba were used during the filming of the Juzo Itami film Tampopo about a trucker who trains a young widow in the art of noodles.

The theatrical preview for the Coen Bros. movie Blood Simple (1984) was created before the actual film was made. It was filmed with the help of Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell while they themselves were filming Evil Dead (1981).


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In light of a recent conversaion on Facebook, today’s link takes you to He-Man.org. Want to know more about Castle Grayskull, Battlecat, Skeletor, and the Masters of the Universe? Why would you go anywhere else? This is one of the only sites of this type I’ve seen to openly have a download section for videogame ROMs and emulators. Go figure.

Enjoy!