Archive for Letters
This week’s myserious mis-delivered mail features a linen white business envelope with a folded letter within. There are some adhesive marks on the back which suggest that it may have once been attached to a larger package. No package exists here… just the letter. It reads:
Dear Dr. Still,
Several years ago, a member of our editorial board retained you as a consulting reader for our publishing house. Books to be sent to you would be of mystical or supernatural themes, and over the years we have received many submissions which have been turned down without any need for outside consultation. We’ve received a trio of books recently, however, which we are considering publishing if for no other reason than the recent resurgence in interest in the supernatural. the three books we would like you to review for us are:
Ghost Hoses of New England by Sarah Waterstone. At first we thought it might have been a typo and the author had meant to print houses, but upon review–the author truly intended to mean hoses. The author recounts nearly a hundred unlikely tales of haunted fire hoses, garden hoses, watering hoses, industrial hoses, and even emergency medical hoses. The author covers the several types of hoses being haunted: nylon, rubber, flexible metal sheathing, hydraulic, etc. The book sounds amusing at first, but quickly grows tired as the stories tend to have very little to do with actual hauntings and more with the history of hoses in New England.
Ghost Houses of New England by Bradford Fourly. This seems more like what we’re looking for, but rather than being a collection of stories regarding haunted houses in New England, it’s more about houses which are themselves ghosts. To whit, a house that no longer exists except in some ethereal place of existence. At first this sounds very interesting, but the stories all seem to be related by various patrons of bars and saloons. The stories are transcribed verbatim, so the narratives are difficult to follow and trail off-topic into rants about the government, ex-wives, ex-husbands, and requests for small loans. The interview often ends when the storyteller is rebuffed.
Ghost Hauntings of Nude England by Chauncey Bottomwell. It’s exactly what you expect it to be and really needs no further commentary from us. Normally we wouldn’t consider publishing a book of this nature, but we would like your input to determine if there are perhaps deeper, more meaningful layers to this book.
Finally, you may notice certain similarities in style and titling in these three books. Although each book is purported to be written by a different author, and each submission was sent from a different location (Templar, AZ, Providence, RI, and Exeter, UK specifically), we suspect there may be only one author involved. We have not decided yet if this will affect our editorial decisions, but we felt we should let you know that we are aware of the possibility of a single author.
We’re looking forward to your timely input. Please submit an invoice for your consultation services to our accounts department.
Yours sincerely,
Ike Mays
Acquisitions Editor
Four Stone Books
Next up is the familiar rag-papered, crimson inked note. Today’s missive reads:
We are making wagers as to the outcome of the events currently occurring beyond the lights.
When the lights go out, it will be time to pay up.
We await your signal.
(signed)
Unsigned
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Today’s link goes to the webcomic Multiplex - a comic about life at a movie theater. It’s a bunch of college-aged kids with crappy theater jobs, but there are some amusing comments on movies and movie-going. It’s not just a straight gag strip, though. There’s story and character development going on, so you will want to read through the archives to maximize the enjoyment of the strip.
Cheers!
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Today’s awkward mail sent to me, but not for me, comes first in a plain brown business envelope of the sort one doesn’t see much these days. Within on engraved business stationery is thus:
Dear Ms. Malin,
As you know, we pride ourselves on our ability to track down missing persons even on the most slim of clues and information. We believe in thinking outside the box, and always getting results. We admit, however, that your case has forced us to think so far outside the box that we are questioning some of our results and we request some further input from you in regards to your case.
You hired us to locate the father of you and your siblings–a man who disappeared without warning some twenty years ago. You also refused to provide us with any biographical or biological data, and insisted we search for your missing father on a philosophical basis alone. This is way outside the box. Still, we agreed to give it a go.
We hesitate to consider the following a “narrowing down” of the list of possibilities–but more the top ten in our list of potential targets. If you would be so kind as to look over this list and offer some insights, we would appreciate it and feel more confident that we could bring this case to a successful conclusion.
Our investigators have turned up the following possibilities:
- A Cape Verdean short order cook in Tulsa, Oklahoma who owns a complete set of the works of Albert Camus.
- A professor of secular humanism at Hofstra University.
- A chorus girl at an all-drag revue in Flint, Michigan.
- The Dalai Lama
- A diabetic Marist missionary in Burma.
- A retired cartoonist currently living in Cleveland, Ohio.
- An independent film actor and playwright from New York currently supplementing his income with TV commercials and animation voiceovers.
- Three Jewish comediens from Brownsville, New York
- A keyboard player in a German 80s-nostalgia techno band.
- The “missing” Lindbergh baby.
The list may seem a bit all over the map, but I think you’ll agree that they all share certain aspects from the philosophical profile you provided us.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Bernard and Vivian Jaffe
Interconnective Investigations
Next up is the ever-familiar folded note written with crimson ink upon a rag paper. It reads:
To Whom It May Concern:
Have you noticed the increasing number of bank robberies of late?
We have.
We’re just saying.
We await your signal.
(signed)
Unsigned
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Today’s link goes to The Three Stooges Official Website. I mean, come on! Does it get much better than that? Okay, I’m a Marx Bros. kind of guy, but easy fun entertainment is pretty much any Three Stooges short you could ever run across. And I’m a huge fan of the Stooge double-slap sound effect. If I thought it wouldn’t be socially awkward, I’d make it my ringtone.
Cheers!
Filed under: Blogosphere, Humor, Letters, Movie review, Publishing, Writing | |1 Comment
It’s been a while since strange mail has arrived at my doorstep. Mail left with me, but not addressed to me. Rarely, in fact, is there any sensible address for addressee or returnee. So I read my strange mail. First up, in a plain white envelope coated lightly with dust:
Dear Dr. Henry Newage
In reviewing library records, I have discovered that you were lent fifteen books over ten years ago and have yet to return them. Accidents happen. Books borrowed are sometimes forgotten. What I found disturbing, however, is that the list of borrowed books matches exactly a list you had submitted to the library’s Board of Directors for removal on moral and scientific grounds. Apparently the previous head librarian was aware of this subterfuge, but chose to look the oher way. I, however, cannot.
I request the immediate return of these volumes in good condition. We will waive, this one time, late charges, but if any of the volumes are unrecoverable, we will be forced to escalate matters.
The volumes of note are:
The Habits and Practices of Highly Successful Rats by Deloris Pettigrew
Bag of Knobs and Boomsticks by Peter Mouse
A Secret History of the Western Swamp and Its Environs by Col. Gunther Montrose
Tuppence a Penny (or, How to Lose Your Shadow) by James Environs
Three Winds Come Through My Door (Poems) by Millicent Powers
Electricity In Ancient Mesopotamia by Halyard Mistral
Beer in Ancient Mesopotamia by Halyard Mistral
How To Sink a Ship by Gail Hops
The Daily Diet of the Aztec Merchant by Miles Killingly
Uncommon Sweetmeats by Chas. Kowalski
Five Bells, Four Sails, Three Souls by Frederick Hershey
One If By Land, Three If By Air: The Secret Air Force of the American Revolution by Henry H. Hyde
Living Like a Caveman by Durant Johnson
The Pornography of Easter Island by Kik Jones
The Twelves Days of Christmas by Fr. Francis Muldoon
In light of your past generosity to the library, the Board of Directors have asked me not to suspend your borrowing privelages. However, I have left strict instructions for you not to be lent anymore books from the children’s section, and have added a notation that before you are lent any books at all, that you see me so we can discuss this matter in person.
I look forward to that moment.
Your sincerely,
James Newage,
Head Librarian
King’s Hall Town Library
Often with my mis-delivered mail comes a note written in a reddish-brown ink upon a rough, rag paper. I have note seen these notes in a while and had hoped that the events of which they darkly hinted had been resolved.
Apparently I should be so lucky. Today’s message reads:
As events come to close, events come to unfold.
We are come enlightened. We are come confused.
As ever, we await your signal.
(signed)
Unisgned
Huh. Welcome to the return of the Friday mailbag.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Today’s link goes to our new favorite coffeeshop here in West Warwick–Feels Like Ohm. It’s fairly new, having opened a few months after we moved here. Lots of comfy chairs. A Library full of fun books. Good coffee. Good snacks. Some great art on the walls. Occasional events. An all-round comfortable place to hang out and be a coffeeshop person. If you’re in the area, check it out.
Cheers!
Filed under: Blogosphere, Humor, Letters, Writing | |1 Comment
Welcome to Friday! Today’s mailbox contained no envelopes, but two handwritten notes. The first note appears on paper yellowed with age in a rusty-brown colored ink.
Dear Mr. Grocer,
Please receive this, our list of monthly supply requests. I know it’s a little less than usual, but Smith Jr. is still under the Klondike and is not expected back for another three months. You know how teenagers get. Anyway…the list:
1 antelope side
4 cases of thrush
1 box of salted tuna fin
20 pounds of Caspian coffee
1 bar of Madagascar butter (frozen)
2 jars of Haxil’s Powder
2 jars of Haxil’s Ointment
1 jar of Haxil’s Flakes
1 bottle of Flavor of Egypt
2 oranges (seeded)
2 oranges (unseeded)
4 pints of orange juice (with seeds)
3 bottles of Mongoose sauce
3 Mongoose
In addition to the consumables, I’ll also need the usual monthly kitchen cutlery set, flour sifter, and coal bucket.
Oh, and some blackberry gum if you have any. If you’re out of blackberry, then forget the gum altogether.
Thank you. Delivery should be made at the usual place and the usual time–sunset at the Grievous Smith Caves. You’ll find the money en route in its usual spot under the gatekeeper’s tongue.
Thank you.
The Smith Family
Slipped within the folded yellow page is the expected note on rag paper with the expected crimson ink. It reads:
To Whom It May Concern:
We are thinking of ordering lunch. While we await your signal, we also await news on what you’d like.
We’re thinking Chinese
signed
(unsigned)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Today’s link goes to the webcomic Least I Could Do. It’s a pretty fun webcomic. I’ve heard some accuse the authors of engaging in wish-fulfillment fantasy, but I take it more as a feel-good sort of comic where fun things happen to a guy who knows how to have fun and happens to be insanely lucky enough to be able to act on it. Be forewarned…some of the humor is risque–maybe even offensive to over-sensitive types, but there’s a lot that can be enjoyed by anyone.
There are several years worth of archives. The artwork does not start out great, but stick with it for the writing, and in a few years–particularly when Lars Sohmer takes up the pen–the art becomes quite good. This is the same team that brings us Looking For Group.
Checking it out is the least you could do.
Cheers!
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Welcome to Friday, and welcome to the mailbag–which is actually a mailbox if you want to get technical about it. The first piece of mail comes in a plain white business envelope from a Manhattan address. It reads:
Dear Sir(s),
It has come to our attention here at Winter & Nash that you’ve been in contact with an individual who calls herself Dr. Petula Gregorii and who claims to be an investigator for an unnamed group of so-called scientists are studying certain phenomenon.
We feel it is our duty to warn you that Dr. Gregorii (if a doctor she truly is) is skilled charlatan of the highest order. Her unlikely claim to have discovered the full skeleton of a blue whale in the Himalayas was intriguing, but the later claim to have ruled the whale’s death as a result of impact from falling from a great height strikes us as entirely ludicrous and calls many of her other claims into question. Likewise, her outrageous claims and poor follow-up has become a source of embarassment for many of those who have previously funded her epeditions.
For instance:
Regarding her discovery of a species of 13-tentacled giant freshwater squid residing in the far depths of the Caspian Sea suggests a carelessness in observation and a tendency toward rushing to conclusions without proper scientific evidence. As to the the remains she claimed to have found, she blames the crew of the Baku with “poor preservation techniques by peasant fishermen” for its supposed dissolving.
We do not believe she has discovered a sequoia in western Canada that has grown, as she puts it “upside-down” with branches and leaves buried in the soil, and its roots sticking up into the air. The only proof she supplies are a few dirty and gnarled branches. There is no photographic or other proper evidence of her claim. Likewise…
Her claim that from the northern slope of Kilimanjaro, one can observe clouds passing behind the moon strikes us as the fanciful conclusions of careless observers who do not understand the basics of optical illusion.
She recently made headlines in certain newspapers not known for dedicated journalism in her announcement of a secluded valley in South America being discovered in which stone pylons depict such historic events as the moon landing, the tearing down of the Berlin Wall, and the Reagan assasination attempt. The photos supplied in these newspaper stories are, without exception, blurred beyond belief and the occasional accompanying drawing looks to have been done by a five year old with palsy.
We understand that this Dr. Petula Gregorii is contacting your organization in hopes of securing funding for an expedition to the Australian outback where she claims she and her party expect to uncover the lost remains of several noted cases of missing persons (to whit: Amelia Earhart, Judge Force Crater, and Ambrose Bierce). We understand all too well how the potent comibination of Dr. Gregorii’s charm, charisma, and misguided devotion to her cause can aid in securing her funding (we ourselves contributed to the Himalayan expedition), which is why we here at Winter & Nash feel compelled to warn you.
Save yourself the grief and the funds and avoid any one-on-one meeting with Dr. Gregorii. Be unexpectedly out of town. Be out of the country, or better yet, off the continent. Get quarantined in a sickhouse. Get sent to prison. Believe us when you say you will lose less money in any of these ways than if you were to sit down with Dr. Gregorii and allow her to make her proposals to you in person.
Don’t say we didn’t try to warn you.
Your servants,
Winter & Nash
Next up is the old familiar rag paper with crimson ink note, but this week rather than being folded carefully, I found it crumpled and stuffed into the bottom of the mailbox. It reads:
To Whom It May Concern,
We are being followed. We are rushed in writing this, and likewise rushed in delivering.
We await your signal, but for God’s sake wait until whatever is following us grows bored or dies.
signed,
(unsigned)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Into UFOs? Me neither, but you’d be surprised how many people are and how many sightings are reported each day. Check out the website of MUFON - the Mutual UFO Network who, for forty years, have been the central meeting point for UFO buffs the world over.
Enjoy, and keep watching the skies!
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Welcome to Friday! This week’s mail comes in the form of a letter with a black border delivered from an New York attorney’s office. As happens with a lot of strange mail here, things like postmarks and return addresses are hopelessly smudged. it’s like a cheap literary device to keep the writer from having to explain too many awkward details.
Anyway, the letter reads forthwith:
Dear Mr. Earhart-Jones,
We regret to inform you of the passing of Bacchus “Le” Royal, born John Philip Smith, formerly of Topeka, Kansas. Mr. Royal’s passing occurred on September 4, 1995. We regret contacting you at such a late date but you are a difficult individual to track down. Fortunately, part of Mr. Royal’s estate included a generous fund for detective work in tracking down former members of 5th Company. All the former members of 5th Company have changed their names save you–which explains why you are the last member of 5th Company to be located and presented with these items left to you by the late Mr. Royal. (We were operating under the assumption that you too had changed your name and wasted much time and money searching for your original identity, unaware we had known it all along.)
In any case, we have located you, and now we may, at long last, close the file on Mr. Royal by presenting with you this box of items that the deceased requested be delivered to you upon the event of his death.
Please check this list against the items in the box delivered with this letter:
A soldier’s left boot
Half a bible, cut diagonally
A black and white photo of an elderly Samoan woman
A used clay pipe
A map of Iowa
A compass without needle
A single page from a gentleman’s novel
A small spyglass
A bottle of cologne (?)
Fifty-four cents made up of 1 quarter, 3 nickels, a dime, and four pennies–all dated 1954.
I am also charged to pass on the following message.
“Rally the troops. Seek our charge on the island. The time has come.”
Again, I apologize for the lateness of this note. In the years that have passed since Mr. Royal’s death, five former members of 5th Company have since passed on themselves. Two are in prison, and one is currently under hospice care.
My condolences.
Unless the contents of this box do not match this list, please do not contact this office. We are now closing the file on Bacchus “Le” Royal of 5th Company.
Yours sincerely,
William Nerve, Esq.
Attorney-at-Law
In addition to this legal letter comes a folded note on rag paper penned with crimson ink that reads:
To Whom It May Concern,
We are awaiting your signal. It seems like we have to tell you this every week. Last week we gave each other haircuts while waiting for your signal. That did not turn out well. This week we’re considering tattoos.
Please send us the signal.
signed (unsigned)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
As a nod to the latest Dan Brown book, The Lost Symbol, today’s link takes you to a page the Freemasons put together as a response to the book: The Lost Symbol and Freemasonry. I make reference to it in a book review I wrote for Forces of Geek.
Cheers!
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Welcome to Friday and if it’s Friday then it’s time to see what mis-delivered mail the postman has left stuffed under the door. Daisy hates our mailman. I don’t know if it’s the way the air smells of sour milk when he arrives, or the sound of thunder, or the weird way he just keeps laughing and laughing, but something about him bugs her.
Anyway, this week we have an international envelope with international postage. I’d return it to the post office myself but I know it would be undeliverable given that the address is smudged beyond recognition. Let’s see…it reads:
My dear friend,
Forgive me for writing to you in English rather than in our beloved native tongue, but I find that here in America it is important to immerse oneself in the local language of Engish if one is to ge along with the more prickly natives. I very much look forward to your arrival and will meet you at the airport in Denver at the agreed upon date. Don’t pay too much attention to the postmark on this envelope. I tend to move around a lot as there is so much to see in this strange country. Yes, you’ve read the guidebooks, but trust me, Sorin, there is so much more to see that historic landmarks and shopping malls. I have become quite fascinated with the small towns and villages that one sometimes comes across. In a country of this size, and with a population so varied and large–well… here are some examples:
In the town of Humble, North Dakota there is not single soul under the age of 93. While the town’s one-room schoolhouse is a crumbled ruin, the cemetary is oddly overgrown and in a general state of disrepair. The local industry relies on a little bit of farming and the repair of old tube radios–owing to the presence of a large warehouse still reportedly full of old glass tubes.
In Wild Kilkenny, Tennessee, the entire town operates as if the AM and PM were reversed. Townspeople rise at around 7:00 PM, got to work for 9:00 PM, eat lunch between midnight and 1:00 AM, return home for 5:00 AM and eat dinner at around 6:30 AM whereupon they often retire at 10:00 AM–all seemingly oblivious to how the rest of the the timezone behaves. Children attend school in the evening. Church services are held on Sunday evenings. The town’s only gas station is open 24 hours, but their peak operating hours are not as they are in surrounding towns.
The phenomenon of an entire town behaving strangely is not unique to these first two examples. For instance, in Happenstance, Rhode Island, it is customary for all of the town’s citizenry to dress and behave as Hollywood stars of a bygone age. The town council is made up of Yul Brynner, Cary Grant, Greta Garbo, John Wayne, and John Carradine. Local businesses are operated by the likes of Marilyn Monroe, Jimmy Stewart, James Cagney, Carol Lombard, Louise Brooks, Humphrey Bogart and Gregory Peck. I met a set of triplets who all looked like Peter Sellers, albeit in different roles (Inspector Cluseau, Dr. Strangelove, and Chance the Gardener). Likewise, this practice includes children. The town’s playground looks like the shooting lot for The Little Rascals. High school students look like Andy Hardy and Judy Garland. No one seems to find it that unusual.
These are the most normal examples. I have heard rumors, mind you, of more sinister, mysterious and odd towns. The people of Umbra, Texas, for instance, supposedly cast no shadow. Sowet, Florida, is said to be home to a family of giants–nearly twice as large as the currently known tallest men and women. On the flip side, Popular, California is a very small town with a very small people–and very, very difficult to find. In Goodbye, Alaska everyone speaks backwards. In Lloyd, Wisconsin everyone wears Groucho glasses and walks with a stoop. They are known for their one-liners.
So when you visit America, leave your assumptions behind. Yes, New York City and Los Angeles are assaults to the senses. And I’m afraid Texas is worse than you’ve no doubt heard. This country will keep you guessing. When I find it difficult to sleep–which is often in this strange country–I think of home.
Transylvania was never like this!
Your friend abroad,
Lazlo Attila
Cottleston Pie, Wyoming
In addition to that little missive, we have the usual rag paper-crimson ink note. Now that I think about it–while it often arrives the same day as the weirder mail from the weirder mailman–I think these particular messages arrive via another carrier. Someone who works at night. Anyway, this week it reads:
To Whom It May Concern,
We’ve been giving each other haircuts.
Really, send the signal soon. I fear what will come next.
(signed)
unsigned
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
In honor of the recent passing of Henry Gibson, today’s link takes you to a fan page for Roawn & Martin’s Laugh-In. Pictures, quotes, cast bios, FAQs, MP3s, and more. Lots of fun here, and well worth the visit.
As a bonus, here are some poems by Henry Gibson.
Cheers!
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Today’s mailbag contains, as usual, two items: the first being an old, aged browned envelope with a stamp that might be worth quite a bit of money were it actually be legible. Time was not its friend. Carefully, I extracted the letter within and it reads thusly:
Dear Mr. Briggs,
As requested, we have conducted a full-scale, premium historical search on your ancestor and namesake Montesque Forsyth Briggs, born 1620 in the village of Stub-On-The-Wye, Cornwall, England.
Following your suggestion, we found records of one M. Briggs boarding The Eye of Galway to France in autumn of 1641, but records indicate that the ship never reached Calais. The registery of sunken ships suggests it may have been hit by lightning and burned to the waterline in the middle of the Channel.
At your urging, we continued our search in Spain and found a Sr. M Brigges in the court of a minor coastal nobleman in 1651 serving as a master cartographer and keeper of the royal chest–an unheard of position for a foreigner. In 1652 the castle was looted by pirates and ignited. Brigges was not listed among the dead nor survivors.
In 1661 an MF Briggeks appears in the governor’s tax role in Curacao. He is listed as a ship outfitter and seller of optics. In 1662 Curucao was attacked by natives and burned to the ground.
According to tales told among the Seminole indian tribe, a white man named Monty Brights in 1671 (as determined by certain weather events) headed an expedition into the swamplands. He took with him several native guides and paid for their service with a merchant boat loaded with Eastern spices. The group was never heard from again, but stories persisted of strange explosions in the north.
Nothing can be found of Montesque F Briggs for a while, then in 1711 a whaling captain named Briggs arrived in New Bedford aboard The Maui with over 2,000 barrels of light whale oil. His crew numbered ten Japanese sailors who had been stranded in Saipan. Before off-loading the oil, The Maui went up in flames. Briggs and his sailors disappeared.
He shows up again in 1721 in the company of five “men of the East” in Humbold, Germany. He is captured as a spy. Due to his age, he is laced under house arrest at a local inn. The inn burns to the ground and only five skeletons are found in what was his quarters.
In 1741, an MF Brigges marries Dotty Park in Stub-On-The-Wye, Cornwall, England and they give birth a year later to Montesque Forsyth Briggs.
Records after this cease to exist. The church burned down.
Please note that we are not keeping any copy of these findings. All copies made during our research, and all originals, have been sent to your offices by special courier. Call us superstitious, but the number of fires associated with this research are disconcerting and… well, we’re not ones to take chances. I’m sure you understand.
Yours sincerely,
Keyes Historical Research
Chicago, Illinois
October 1871
Alongside this interesting tidbit of someone’s family history is the familiar rag paper note written with crimson-colored ink.
To Whom It May Concern:
Did you drop this?
If so, is this the signal?
We require clarification.
We require a signal.
We await your signal.
signed (unsigned)
Yeah.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Today’s link visits ThePulp.Net a hub on all the info you’ll ever need on the great pulp magazines of days of yore. Don’t forget to check out the Doc Savage page. Why? Because Doc Savage rules.
Cheers!
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In this week’s mail, the first message was found not in an envelope or in a package, but neatly typed on the back of an old Playbill cover from an early performance of Nosferatu. It’s a shame really, because without the letter on the back, the cover itself might have been worth something.
Dear Mr. Bon Nuit,
We, your biggest fans, have this to say:
Your portrayal of Falstaff in President Kennedy Goes To College was masterful.
Your rendition of President Kennedy in One Returned was beyond compare.
As John the Baptist in Krishna Saves the World (Again) you sincerely wowwed us.
In Shakespeare in Teheran you impressed us as Bloody Jim the Flower Vendor.
No one has ever brought the stage such honor as your Po in Henry IX Part 3.
Your King Bill in Driving Miss Daisy was an utter delight.
And truly, your version of the great F. Scott Fitzgerald in The Walking Entrails was nothing short of thrilling.
But…
We, your biggest fans, are disturbed by the recent portrayal of Ragdnovich in Poor Little Pope. Ragdnovich was notoriously right-handed, but your left-handed version suggests a subtext that could get a person hanged in some countries. Fun is fun, and all that–but really… why take such risks?
We remain your servants,
The United Fans of Bon Nuit, Actor Extraordinaire
Along with this came the always-familiar rag paper missive written in crimson ink. It’s not often I find a connection between my mysterious, but vigilant friends and my other mail, but… well, as you’ll see:
To Whom It May Concern,
We might have missed your signal. For this we apologize. Normally we are quite vigilant, but we all wanted to catch the recent performance of Poor Little Pope at the Good Night Theater and the debate that followed after was a little intense.
If you have sent the signal, please do so again. We await, breathlessly.
signed
(unsigned)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Today’s link goes to an old favorite: Classic Johnny Quest - the webpage. Why? Because even in my 40s I’m still a fan of the old Johnny Quest series. If there’s a better animated adventure series, I don’t want to know about it.
Cheers!
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And here we are with this Friday’s mailbag. Item number one comes in a manilla envelope. The return address is nothing but a rusty-brown smear and the letter inside smells of spices I cannot name and of scents I cannot remember.
The letter itself reads:
Greetings New Member!
We welcome you as our organization’s newest member. In a separate nailing [sic], you will receive the following:
- laminated ID badge with photo
- bell
- book
- candle
- ceremonial needle
- ceremonial dagger
- a human heart
- a salamander’s tail
- a salamander’s tale
- 12 virgin sheets of Egyptian papyrus
- detailed instructions
Make sure to also return the confirmation postcard included with your welcome package, and we look forward to seeing you at the next gathering atop the hill, within the circle, under the elm, on the 2nd full moon of the month.
Oh, and best of luck. You’ll likely need it.
(signed)
The Cabal
Okay. I’ll keep my eye open for that “separate nailing” but I doubt I’ll actually open the box. (If indeed it does arrive in a box.)
Also in today’s mail was the familiar-looking rag paper note with crimson ink. This week’s message reads thusly:
To Whom It May Concern:
It’s not as if we’ve been following you, but we do note with some concern your lack of signal and the frequency with which you fraternize with the Enemy. We understand the purposes of reconnaisance. And we understand you may be studying their weaknesses.
But we remain concerned nonetheless. We expect to see your signal soon.
Quite soon.
(signed)
Unsigned
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Today’s link takes you to a page at the BBC with a short history and summary of the Bob Hope and Bing Crosby road movies (The Road To Singapore, The Road to Zanzibar, The Road to Bali, and so on). I need to see if there’s a book on this topic. Anyway, check out the short summaries and then go look for the movies themselves.
Cheers!
Filed under: Blogosphere, Humor, Letters, Reviews, Writing | |No Comments
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