An Open Letter to Dan Harmon of HarmonQuest

Time to get the band back together.

Time to get the band back together.

Dear Dan Harmon of HarmonQuest,

I have enjoyed the entire run of HarmonQuest too many times now to count. Even our two month-old baby has seen it a few times–mostly because it’s 3 a.m. and I have control of the remote controls. After so many repeated viewings, I am sorely tempted to commit myself to a certain course of action, to whit:

Raiding our meager savings to book a flight to Hollywood after which I will disembark, rent a vehicle, and cruise around until I find out where your office is located. From there, I will spend several days camped out in the parking lot while marking your comings and goings in order to establish a daily routine. There will be photos taken so I can determine your jacket size. Once this is completed successfully, I will return to cruising about Hollywood for a second-hand clothing store at which I will purchase a sports jacket of suitable size. You never seem to wear one, and a sports jacket is pivotal to my plan.

Once the jacket is acquired, I will return to your office parking lot and wait for you to come back from lunch when you’re likely to be more easily subdued. At that point, I will approach you from behind, tackle you to the ground, and wrestle the sports jacket on you. At that point, I will turn you over, grasp you by the lapels of the sports jacket (see what I mean by pivotal? You can’t do that to a t-shirt) and lift you up. I will get in your face and yell–


I will keep yelling this until I pass out.

You don't have time to point. Get to work!

You don’t have time to point. Get to work!

When Security wakes me up and escorts me from the parking lot, I will consider my mission complete. And, because this will be my first time visiting Hollywood, I will make a side trip to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery to pay my respects at Peter Lorre’s grave before returning to the airport, cleaning out the rental car of fast food containers and coffee cups, arguing about the security deposit, and angrily boarding a plane home.

Upon arriving home, I will be in deep trouble with my wife, child, clients, and that clerk at the local convenience store who’s kind of an asshat and totally unrelated to this story.

Please don’t test me. I’m no stranger to bad decisions and this would ruin me both financially and professionally, destroy my family, and I’d miss a couple of game nights. None of us want that. HarmonQuest is distributed digitally, so you’re not beholden to typical season scheduling. You can make a second season happen more quickly than the executives with their fancy, no-grip lapels would have you think.

All my love,

–John Teehan
West Warwick, RI

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