An Open Letter to Hollywood, and an Offer of Cookies

Dear Hollywood,

Now’s your chance.

ameicancookieNow’s your chance to become the arm of the progressive liberal movement that the right wing has always shrilly accused you of being (clutching pearls optional). And there will be cookies involved.

Let’s go back a bit.

Remember when you made movies or TV shows in which nearly every person of Middle Eastern descent was a terrorist? Remember when ever black person was a thug and every Hispanic was a drug lord? How about when every Asian was a martial arts expert? If they were female, then they were also femme fatale spies because, y’know, “exotic”. Remember when gays were played just for laughs and served no other function except perhaps as some kind of magical friend to the female lead? And women in general… they were prizes for the male protagonists. Or maybe all that hard-working single girl needed was a good man?

Yeah, well, thanks for that. You contributed nothing to the growth of American society.
Now I will admit that things have been a bit better of late. They are far from perfect, but they are a damn sight better than they were 25 years ago. You don’t get a cookie for that, though.

You just realized that–hey, women and homosexuals and minorities watch TV as well, and they also need to buy dish soap or snuggies or cars or whatever.

Whenever you show a cereal commercial with an interracial couple or a fake cheese ad featuring a same sex couple, a bigot somewhere loses what little mind they have and call for a spectacularly-failed boycott as you end up getting more good press and customers from viewers who have long felt disenfranchised from that most American of traditions–consumerism.

The point being… you’re not going to lose money offending bigots. Sure, they’re loud and they’re obnoxious, and sometimes their poorly-spelled protest signs make you feel sad… but you’re in no danger of losing money because of these idjits.

So with that in mind…

Now is the time for you to help make up for all that nonsense you perpetuated before. You want a nice, clear, morally unambiguous villain for your next feature or TV show? I have a suggestion:

How about the bigots and racists who have felt emboldened by the recent election? Every villain is some white supremacist trying to bring down American society because brown people scare them? Or have the villain be some kind of idiotic “men’s rights activisit” who resents women for, I don’t know, not smiling at them or something? How about the “fag basher” villain who never learned to love himself?

They’re all good targets for isolation and being added to the canon of anti-American types that Hollywood so relies on.

I’m not saying you have to make Trump a villain–or even many of the Trump supporters who were simply too ignorant or selfish to see what they were doing. I’m just talking about those out-in-the-open neo-Nazis and “alt-right” types who are poisoning the American well.

No holds barred. No mercy. Portray them for what they are, the new terrorist threat. The new and open threat to peace. Instead of normalizing their delusions, let’s hold them up to ridicule and revile for all the world to see.

cookiesAnd yes, I will make you cookies. If you, as a producer of a movie or television show, contact me with the name of your movie, a synopsis, and an address to send them to–I will bake you a plate of cookies and send them as soon as the movie or show appears on screen.

I will even take requests. Chocolate chip? Peanut butter? Both? Want some M&Ms or Reeses Pieces in there? You’re the boss! You’ve earned that cookie!

So think about it, Hollywood.

You have potential for a larger and more appreciative viewership with no real monetary risk. You’d get scads of good press for being good guys and socially responsible and pro-active. You’d be true patriots. And you could even appreciate actually becoming the boogeymen you have so long been accused of being.

And cookies.

I’m serious. I make good cookies. My wife makes even better ones. If you want hers instead of mine… no problem.

Cheers!

–John

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