Welcome to the next installment of this feature. There can never be such a thing as too much advice. Okay… actually, it’s very easy for there to be such a thing, but this is the Internet. Who’s going to stop me? No one, that’s who. So without further ado…
Q. Are werewolves and vampires real? If so, how can I find one? (F. J. Petrone of Westerly, RI)
A. They are most definitely not real. Nonetheless, you can find them in many shopping malls working at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. Much of the lore surrounding vampires and werewolves has been grossly abused over the centuries. In reality (of which werewolves and vampires are not) they are vulnerable to German techno music, vegemite, and people who say “irregardless.” Zombies, on the other hand, are quite real. They also work in malls–usually in security.
Q. You’re kidding, right? (Hotchkiss K of Stratford-on-Avon)
A. Irregardless, it is good information.
Q. I recently came across a fellow selling snake oil. I mean this literally. He is selling an oil produced from snakes. What do you advise? (Tauxeth O’Malley, Grade 6)
A. Traditionally, snake oil salesmen are not to be trusted. There is, however, always a first time. Why not take a chance and invest your savings into this gentleman’s business? At your age, a devastating financial loss will not appear on your so-called permanent record. If more sixth graders took chances in the market, our economy might be stronger.
Q. How do you pronounce my name? (Jonathan M. Shyamalan of Bridgeport, CT)
A. So it rhymes with “Ding-a-ling.”
Q. What is the difference between “monoprint” and “monochrome”? (Feisel Wallingthorpe, Brooklyn)
A. You get one from kissing poorly-reproduced art. The other you get from kissing hubcaps. We have time for one more question.
Greenland’s most popular television actors. I have no idea if they even have names.
Q. Why do British television shows run such short seasons compared to American television shows? (H. Laurie, Cali-for-nye-ay)
A. Population. There are much fewer people in Great Britain than the US, so it takes fewer episodes to complete a season. In China, a single season can include up to 40 episodes. The longest-running prime-time television show in Greenland (Let’s Go, Broder!) lasted a record-breaking eighty seasons with a grand total of five episodes.
Thanks for asking.
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I missed yesterday’s entry. Didn’t want to, but I overslept which I hardly ever do. I’m blaming another marathon run in the basement trying to get that all cleared out. Making much more visible progress now. I wish I had taken a picture at the start of this project. Alas.
So yesterday was waking late, on the one day I typically run some work-related chores. It tends to throw the entire day off. Still, in the aftershadow of last week, things are still looking good. This week’s primary focii are two journals, a freelance book, and a Merry Blacksmith book. Piece of coffee cake. Mmmm.. coffee cake. I have a good recipe for–no!
Don’t get distracted. Get to work.