I’m back to writing absurdist plays. Sue me. These are fun. To Eugene Mirman, H. Jon Benjamin, and Kristen Schaal: please note that I’m a helluva nice guy and too poor to sue. To readers who don’t know who these three people are, that’s okay. They don’t know who you are, either.

So without further ado…

EUGENE MIRMAN vs AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE

(a one-act play with special guests) 

SETTING: A complicated stage setting. Good luck. Maybe you should produce this as a radio play.

H. Jon Benjamin

A deserted wharf off an un-named port city. Set in the middle of the wharf is a simple ice cream sundae with hot fudge and a small sprinling of nuts. The ice cream should be vanilla, but honestly… this is up to th director. The flavor simply represents the ‘everyman’.
Standing beside the sundae is RANDY GILL, a local reporter. He can be played by anyone, but MUST be voiced by comedian H. JON BENJAMIN. This is not optional.

RANDY: Good afternoon. I’m your on-the-spot reporter Randy Gill who is, for some reason, being voiced by H. Jon Benjamin. I think that’s the guy from BOB’S BURGERS and ARCHER. I think he was on some other stuff as well. I don’t know. I only watch the Game Show Network. Where was I? Oh, right…

(cont.)

I’m Randy Gill and I’m standing here beside an ice cream sundae who is scheduled to fight oddball comedian Eugene Mirman. What? Really?

Randy looks at camera (audience)

RANDY: Is this for real? (beat) It is? But… (another beat) argh. Okay! So…what do I do now?

Looks at sundae, then back at audience, then just over their heads at an unseen producer.

RANDY: I have a local Emmy, you know. Yeah, it’s just for sound enginering. (yells) What’s your point?

Randy looks above audience for another beat or two, as if listening to a producer’s instructions or threats.

An ice cream sundae with nuts.

RANDY: Fine! Okay… sundae. Can I call you sundae? Can I ask what convinced you to accept Mirman’s fight challenge?

Silence.

RANDY: Perhaps an old grudge? Like… did he eat your father, or something?

Silence.

RANDY: Would it… would it be inappropriate to say that you look quite delicious? I… I don’t know the rules… you know… when talking to a sundae.

(cont.)

Okay, okay! That was probably not correct of me. I’m sorry. That was a little nuts. Heh… (beat) get it? (another beat) see what I did there? A little nuts? Because… you know… you have nuts.

Randy looks puzzled for a moment.

RANDY: Wait. If you have nuts, does that make you a dude sundae? Cripes. Did I just inappropriately hit on a dude sundae? What does that make me?

(ponders)

Some kind of perv or is there a socially accepted model for a man/man-sundae relationship? I mean… are you capable of consent? Still, that cherry is kind of cute. Maraschino?

Randy looks up over audience as if suddenly getting yelled at by unseen producer.

RANDY: Well I’m new at this sort of thing! I usually do county fairs and dog shows. What do you want from me? When is this thing going to start, anyway?

(pause)

RANDY: Well, okay then. (looks directly at audience) Folks, I’ve just been informed that Eugene Mirman is just about to arrive. This long-anticipated showdown between man and frozen dessert is about to go down! Sundae, anything you want to say before the fight starts?

(beat)

No? Well good luck, buddy.

Randy moves back and to the side, clearing the wharf.

Eugene Mirman. Not to scale.

Eugene Mirman. Not to scale.

There is a great rumbling sound coming from the waters off the wharf. The water begins to bubble and roil. Suddenly, a 150-ft EUGENE MIRMAN surfaces and grabs the edge of the wharf in gigantic hands. (note: must cast actal Eugene Mirman… otherwise what’s the point?)

MIRMAN: Neeeaaaaarrrggghhhh!

Giant Mirman leans forward and climbs up onto the wharf. Water and fish cascade off him as he rears to his full height. The wharf creaks and groans under his weight.

MIRMAN: Neeeaaarghhh! Ooooogggh!

Giant Mirman steps toward the sundae and crushes it under foot. Lasers shoot out of his eyes and begins to set some warehouses near the wharf on fire. Mirman stalks off stage engaging in a rampage of destruction.

MIRMAN: Neeeeeaaaaarrrgghhhhh!

After a moment, Randy steps forward again and addresses the camera/audience.

RANDY: Well, there you have it. A hundred-and-fifty foot tall Eugene Mirman has soundly defeated an ice cream sundae covered with fudge, whipped cream, and… nuts. Aaaand now he’s apparently destroying the city.

Randy turns and looks toward Mirman’s rampage.

RANDY: Huh. Gotta hand it to the special effects department.

Just then, a woman jogs by and stops by Randy… jogging in place. As with Randy, she can be played by anyone, but MUST be voiced by KRISTEN SCHAAL.

Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal

WOMAN: Oh, that’s not special effects. That’s how big Eugene really is. It’s every other time you see him that it’s special effects.

Randy looks surprised.

RANDY: What? Really?

Woman nods emphatically.

WOMAN: Special shoes, mostly. And a trick wig.

RANDY: How’d he get so… big?

Woman shrugs.

WOMAN: I think it has something to do with being born in Russia. You know how they are.

(She looks at her wrist. She is not wearing a wristwatch.)

Whelp. That’s my cameo. Gotta go!

Woman continues with her jog.

Randy, ever the professional, addresses the audience one more time.

RANDY: Well now we know. I suppose we could say that the results of this match were a foregone conclusion, but this reporter has always been a fan of the scrappy little underdog. We’ll miss the ice cream sundae, but this is Eugene’s time in the sun now, so a big congrats to him, right? I’m Randy Gill. Back to our news desk and Chuck with the weather.

Stage lights dim. We hear Mirman’s roars in the background and the theatre, at this point, should be slowly filling with smoke. As the curtain slowly closes (and is on fire) we hear Randy one more time…

RANDY: Hey, I know he stepped on it and everything, but do you think that sundae is okay to eat? I mean… I have a spoon.

–end–