Good morning, one and all! Welcome to the Friday mail delivered, as usual, by Corwin… a black-furred fox. Today’s mail comes not in an envelope, scroll, or other formal enclosure, but as a balled up piece of paper. After reading it, I fear that the letter was not met with approval by its original recipient. Either that, or this is a rejected draft by the writer. In any case, here are the contents of said balled-up piece o’ paper, verbatim:
From: North Hill Neighborhood Association
To: Mr. Gastrum Gneez of #7 North Hill
Dear Mr. Gneez,
We know that when you purchased Number 7 here on North Hill that an official homeowners association did not exist. We are, however, filing official paperwork to form a proper homeowners association now and invite you to join. Unfortunately, not all members are happy with some aspects of your “lifestyle” here on North Hill and we would like to address the following issues:
We need an icon to represent the opposite of this.
First, we would like you to start wearing pants when gardening. This seems a reasonable request. Please wear pants.
Second, we don’t know how you came across a full-sized replica of the HMS Bounty, nor why it was parked in front of your house one weekend, but we’d appreciate you not parking your full-sized sailing ship on the side of the road. It causes traffic issues and attracts beavers, barnacles, and shipworms.
Third, please stop asking all of us to spit into a test tube. In fact, those residents of North Hill who acquiesced would like their samples back.
Fourth… the pants. We can’t stress this enough. Wear them.
Fifth, would you mind repainting your house so it doesn’t glow in the dark? The current glow-in-the-dark paint, while whimsical, attracts an unwholesome number of moths at night.
Sixth, we’re not unhip to ironic holiday decorating ideas. We all chuckled at the Halloween decorations at Christmas, and the Christmas decorations around Easter, but the Easter decorations at Halloween went beyond the borders of acceptable taste. No, we’re not talking about the zombie Jesus. That’s funny the first few times you see it, but it gets old fast. Our concern was more focused on the overly biological Halloween bunnies and the… “secrets of the egg” diorama.
Seventh, the mailman tells us you’re planning to build a moat. We’d like to inform you… no moat. Yeah. No moat, please. We don’t know what you plan to do with a moat, but given your past eccentricities, we believe a moat would not lead anywhere good. (Oh, and the mailman has asked us to pass on to you his repeated requests to stop leaving mousetraps in your mailbox. Once it funny. Twice is cute. The third time is legal action.)
Eighth, please stop inserting the word “titillating” into every conversation you have with us. It’s unsettling.
Ninth, while we’re on the subject of appropriate language, it’s ‘supposedly’, not ‘supposably’, ‘regardless’, not ‘irregardless’, and no, the French do not have a word for schadenfreude–at least not one that can be used in polite company.
Finally, we applaud the idea of your little lending library bookcase mounted next to your driveway, but suggest stocking something, anything, other than your Dawson’s Creek fan fiction. Really… even you have to admit that’s kind of creepy.
Thank you for your consideration of these requests. We hope that we can all come to an agreement and become a productive and cohesive neighborhood association. We don’t like the idea of issuing threats, but Mrs. Magnavox insists that we inform you that failure to consider these requests may result in you not being invited to the annual block party and you will be missing out on her famous jell-o surprise cake. (In all fairness, her jell-o surprise cake is pretty awsome.)
We look forward to hearing from you. Oh, and please remember… pants. For the love of god… pants!
[signed] Chesterfield Humsalot
Secretary, North End Neighborhood Association
How did it get to be Friday? Oh, yeah. It follows Thursday. Fascist calendars!
In any case, I’m busy at work wrapping up various loose ends, working on film journals and film books. Editing a writing guide. Finishing a painting. Filling in a moat. That sort of thing.