I’ve been somewhat following the “spat” going on between Fox’s Sean Hannity and British comedian Russell Brand. I guess the reason I’ve been vaguely fascinated by the whole exchange is that the two folk in question seem such polar opposites. Hannity not only defends ignorance, but celebrates it, and comes across as a rather mean-spirited, compassionless person. Russell Brand, on the other hand, is pretty much the sweetest, gentlest person walking on the Earth who is not also currently the Dalai Lama, and who is not afraid of evolving. True… compare early Russell Brand to contemporary Russell Brand and you can see evidence of personal growth and integrity. Hannity has been pretty much the same jerk his entire career.

Where Russell Brand seeks to elevate a conversation to a meaningful dialogue, Sean Hannity seeks to tear down a conversation to a one-sided, meaningless rant. Is Brand perfect? No. Absolutely not. No one is, nor should anyone think they (or anyone else) are. Is Hannity perfect? He seems to think so… poor idiot.

So it’s with these obvious differences in mind that I sent my crack research team off to go find some other, perhaps less well-known or obvious, differences between the two that we could share with you today. Here is a list. I apologize for the lack of citations. Please note that my crack research team is made up of a dog, two cats, and whatever ate that candy bar what got left in the basement.

  • Sean Hannity eats babies. Russell Brand won’t even eat baby carrots because eating baby anythings is just wrong.
  • Noel Fielding, another really sweet guy, is a friend of BrandNoel Fielding, another really sweet guy, is a friend of Brand’s.

    Russell Brand’s heroes include Jesus, Mahatmas Gandi, Malcolm X, and Che Guevara. Sean Hannity’s heroes are Ronald Reagan (whitewashed for modern consumption), George Will (he’s not actually read anything by him), Sarah Palin (for unBiblical reasons), and Republican Jesus (not to be confused with Biblical Jesus).

  • Sean Hannity works for Fox News. Russell Brand’s hair sometimes looks like a fox.
  • When Russell Brand walks into a forest, he is often approached by all manner of wildlife due to his gentle nature. Think Snow White. When Sean Hannity walks into a forest, even the leaves won’t fall lest they accidentally touch him. Think wicked queen.
  • Both Sean Hannity and Russell Brand cast no shadow. In Brand’s case, it’s because his shadow is a mischievous sort and is off somewhere having fun. In Hannity’s case… well… we’re not saying vampire… but you know… maybe… vampire?
  • Brand listens to who he is sharing a conversation with. Hannity listens to his ego telling him how important and right he is.
  • These are Sean HannityThese are Sean Hannity’s friends. I think you see the problem.

    Sean Hannity would take candy from a baby. Russell brand wouldn’t even take candy away from a baby carrot because that’s just wrong.

  • Sean Hannity has over 1.5 million likes on Facebook. Russell Brand? Over 2.6 million. (Not bad for a “D-list celebrity”, eh?)
  • Sean Hannity wrote three books. Brand wrote four.
  • Russell Brand, even with a beard, would probably look pretty good in a dress. Sean Hannity still soaps up the fixtures of his tub so he doesn’t accidentally see his own reflection while taking a bath.

I think what it may come down to is addiction. The Fox News environment seems to create a weird sort of feedback loop where bad behavior is praised and even rewarded. This leads to an addiction to that sort of behavior. Well, the good news is that addiction can be beaten. Brand’s proven it. I’ve proven it. Millions of others have proven it. Sean, a lot of people have tried to bring this destructive demeanor of yours to your attention. We do it out of love and concern. I admit that sometimes we aren’t always nice about it. We make smarmy jokes and write lists like the one above. Maybe it’s because we think that it will get more attention. Maybe it’s because it’s Wednesday and this is the day I tend to write these sort of lists. In any case, I hope you take some of the more ridiculous comments in good humor.

Seriously… change is possible and brings its own rewards. If you ever want to talk, just drop me a line or give me a call. I’m not that hard to find.

As for you Brand… keep on doing what you’re doing. You loon, you.